Unhappiness intolerance
Why I’m purposely bad at tolerating chronic unhappiness
I’m generally a happy person. I’ve been mockingly lovingly described as a golden retriever waking up all disgunstingly smiley and energetic (almost) every morning, excited for the day.
A big reason why is me being purposely bad at one thing — tolerating chronic unhappiness. I cannot be unhappy for one specific reason for longer than a few weeks, rarely months, and never years.
Post-Soviet acceptance of misery
Who needs role models when you can have anti-role models? Mine were the cashiers in the Sosedi shop across the street from my house:
I visited the shop several times a week for over a decade. Sitting at the cash register were the same ladies — always grumpy, regularly rude, and permanently unhappy.
To me, they were the symbols of the (post-)Soviet acceptance of misery. I couldn’t wrap my head around why tolerating a hated job or a dead marriage for decades was viewed as the norm — and sometimes even seen as one’s strength and resilience. А можа так і трэба?
I vowed to my teenage self never to become like those cashiers.
Not fighting unhappiness with grit
In practice, this means three things:
Notice chronic unhappiness creeping in early on.
Don’t try to fight it with grit, but rather stop to question and reconsider previous life choices.
Accept that life may be more difficult immediately after the change.
Here are a few high-stakes examples.
In March 2019, I realized that a full-time manager job makes me miserable (also, Targetprocess was no Hogwarts by then). I quit, giving up status and $ (or rather $$$ since the company was about to get sold) and becoming unemployed for an unknown amount of time. In the end, it worked well for both parties, but this was far from certain at the moment.
In May 2021, there were fewer and fewer meaningful ways to contribute to Belarusian freedom while the associated risks were at an all-time high. With the anxiety about OMON’s footsteps in the corridor haunting me for months, I packed my bag (yep, a single bag) and left on the last plane to Cyprus with no decent plan. Despite the wild uncertainty, it has turned out to be a wise long-term decision.
Fighting chronic unhappiness doesn’t always mean leaving, though.
This summer, I found myself buried in busywork with no thinking or goofing-around time for a few weeks. That’s not how I want to live my life. So, I took an unscheduled vacation for a week, reflected on how I ended up in such a place, and made changes — closing some projects, delegating others, and getting my daily routines back in shape. This newsletter wouldn’t have been possible without this.
In each case, I could’ve persisted or convinced myself it’s fine, but then again:
Note: life is more complicated than a newsletter essay. I’ve been unhappy about my only shitty Belarusian passport for years now. Still, there’s little I can do apart from persevering through all the circles of hell rounds of European bureaucracy.
One reason is already too many
It’s tempting to convince myself, “It’s just work that sucks, I’ll find happiness in other areas of life”.
This doesn’t work for me. Being deeply unhappy about one thing spills over to all aspects of life. I have less energy, I’m irritated easily — everything and (especially) everyone around me suffers.
That’s also the reason why I usually distance myself from chronically unhappy people.
Discomfort ≠ unhappiness
Not tolerating chronic unhappiness doesn’t mean quitting at the first sign of discomfort, though.
Here are a few things that have eventually made me a happier person, but that were faaar outside of my comfort zone:
Develop a JS library.
Finish a 26-km trail run in the Swiss mountains.
Live together in a house with twelve strangers for two weeks.
Delayed gratification is hard to overrate.
Reminder to myself
The longer you remain unhappy, the easier it becomes to accept it as the new standard, and the harder it is to climb out of it.
Tolerating unhappiness is a dangerous skill. Stop yourself from developing it. Don’t be your own dementor.
Favourites
Things I’ve been fascinated by lately:
🎵 (3×5 min) I’m captivated by Change (In The House Of Flies) by Deftones. I don’t like or enjoy the song, I’m specifically captivated by it, including the acoustic covers by Daughtry and Seether¹. That’s art.
🎙️ (44 min) The fact that, in most countries, the copyright lasts for 50+ years after the author’s death is absolute utter nonsense to me. The Nursery Rhyme That Ruined a Rock Band is essentially the same argument, but presented in the form of great storytelling.
🎬 (460 min) I know I raved about Taskmaster the last time. But it’s my newsletter, so who’s gonna stop me from doing this again² 😅? This show seems to magically bring out the best in people. I’m halfway through the 19th series, but I already want to propose to Stevie on the spot and watch everything Jason has ever appeared in. Helping people to joyfully come out of their shells while playing games hits close to home.
¹Seether was one of the first bands that I saw live. I was so young that my brother had to accompany me.
²And again, and again, until someone confesses that they’ve finally given up and watched the show, and that it was the best thing that has happened to them this decade. Not ready to commit to a full season or even an episode? Watch these six minutes.
Announcements
I’m looking for a brand designer who’s also either into product design or creative projects to join us at Fibery.
Remote within 3 hours of CET, $45-65K/year gross salary, stock options, autonomy, and (possibly) fun. Also, fewer than one meeting a day and one A/B test per quarter 🙃.
If you know someone who might be a great fit (maybe it’s you?), please share the link with them. I’ll be personally reviewing every application, just like the previous time.
This was issue #6, find more at antoniokov.com.
How good are you at tolerating unhappiness? What unhappiness did you endure the longest in your life?
Reply to this email and share your story.